Earlier this year I wrote an article titled 14 Signs You are Carrying too Much Stuff in your Backpack. This time around I thought I’d address the other end of the load-carrying spectrum, and list some of the red flags that you may have drunk a wee bit too much ultralight Kool-aid.
Sunrise from Hermannsdalstinden peak | The Long Crossing of the Lofoten Islands | September, 2018.
1. Not only do you cut the end off your tooth brush, you trim the bristles as well.
2. You continue to carry a 1/8″ CCF mat (2 oz / 57 gr), despite the fact that nine times out of ten you get a shit sleep on it.
3. You don’t take a first-aid kit of any description on a multi-day hike.
4. You’ve got a poster of Ray Jardine – shirtless and wearing bike shorts – on your wall at home. You also carry a passport-size version of the same photo in the mini Ziploc bag which doubles as your wallet.
Ray Jardine – Author of the ultralight classic, “The Pacific Crest Trail Hiker’s Handbook“, and its successors, “Beyond Backpacking” and “Trail Life.”
5. You immediately cut the 2 to 4 oz (57 to 114 gm) hip belt off every frameless backpack you purchase, despite the fact that you occasionally hike off-trail in rugged terrain, and regularly carry more than five days food plus a couple of liters of water.
6. You skimp on guyline and tent pegs when tarp camping in order to save an ounce or two (Tip: The key to a taut tarp pitch is an even distribution of tension. Not so easy to achieve with insufficient pegs, guyline and guyout points).
7. Speaking of tent pegs, you intend on carrying only titanium shepherd hooks on next year’s trip to the Scottish Highlands.
8. When you received your Tarptent Aeon Li earlier this year, you were so upset that it came in 0.8 oz over spec (i.e. less than half a Snickers Bar), that you seriously thought about sending it back before trying it out in the field (Hint: It’s really good).
Tarptent Aeon Li on the Australian Alpine Track | 2019
9. You automatically cut the tags off new backpacking gear. Some time later you ruefully realize that it may have been a good idea to note the washing/storage instructions beforehand.
10. Your go-to soaking vessel for no-cook meals is a Ziploc bag. There’s ultralight and there’s just plain homeless.
11. When heading out for extended trips in the backcountry (including off-trail affairs), you never carry a compass and paper maps (even as a backup to the GPS app on your phone). Indeed, you think that triangulation is something they teach in mathematics class in Bermuda, and dead reckoning is the name of the latest Stephen King novel.
Crossing the Salar de Uyuni with the Suunto M-2 compass (replaced with Suunto M-3 Global in 2019) | Altiplano Traverse, Bolivia, 2017.
12. You’re considering replacing your regular shoe laces with dental floss.
13. You don’t carry any means of water purification……..ever………not even mini-dropper bottle(s) full of Aqua Mira or bleach.
14. You carry a pinch light rather than a regular sized headlamp during shoulder season/winter hikes.
15. You’ve begun referring to yourself as a “fastpacker” – which is wanker-speak for someone who thinks they’re a bit special because their pack is lighter, and they cover a few more miles than most other hikers.
16. You were so busy obsessing over your Lighterpack list, that you forgot (in ascending order of importance): A. Your wedding anniversary; B. Your kid’s birthday; C. Your PCT start date.
17. You don’t carry a fleece or synthetic insulation layer in cold and wet climates because they don’t offer the same warmth to weight ratio as down garments. Which is true………assuming they are dry.
Yours truly at Springer Mountain, GA – The finish of the 12 Long Walks / During my late fall/winter thru-hike of the AT (Oct 17 – Dec. 28), my insulation layers were the Patagonia R1 Hoodie and the Montbell UL Down Jacket (since renamed the Superior). I used the former item pretty much every day from Maine to Georgia, in combination with an Icebreaker 200 merino zip neck base layer.
18. You give unsolicited gear advice to hikers with heavier packs than you. You are subsequently puzzled when they tell you to piss off.
19. When hiking in areas that are infamous for bugs (e.g. Fiordland (NZ), Alaska, Lapland, Canadian Rockies), you don’t carry a head-net (approx. weight = 1 oz) for weight saving purposes. This is usually a one-off mistake.
20. You use a tarp that’s too small for you (e.g. smaller than 8″x5″ and you’re more than 6″ tall). You double down on the stupid light factor by not pairing your minimalist tarp with an UL bivy.
21. You carry two, rather than three pairs of socks on extended backpacking trips in wet and muddy environments.
22. You are trying to convince your significant other to name your soon-to-be-born child Jawnzee. You are also insisting (none too successfully) that your partner give birth at Leadville’s St.Vincent Hospital, which through a happy coincidence is located 0.8 mi from the Melanzana Outdoor Clothing store.
23. You don’t use gaiters when hiking in desert environments in order to save 1.3 oz.
24. You understand more than 75% of Ultralight Jerk’s Instagram references.
25. During the recent Thanksgiving celebration, you and your partner got in a donnybrook when s/he wouldn’t agree to serve Skurka’s beans and rice instead of turkey as the main course.
26. Maltodextrin accounts for more than 10% of your caloric intake on long distance hikes. If it does, you may want to consider taking out dental insurance.
27. You’re not planning to take an ice axe and microspikes for the Sierra section of the PCT (in an average/above average snow year), reasoning that: “……my balance is good; a trekking pole will suffice.”
28. You regularly find yourself hungry and thirsty while hiking due to not carrying enough food and water.
29. You spend more time thinking about gear weight, than all the cool places you could go hiking.
30. You use a fanny pack. That’s all I’ll say about that.
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This list is awesome, though I do want to try a fanny pack. Especially if I can find one that can hold a liter smart water bottle for summits.
Red Paw Packs has one
Sierra Designs has new fanny packs that can carry a liter
Seriously! Get a two bottle holsters mix & match as needed
This made me happy on a Monday morning. Thanks, Swami!
Cam this was really hilarious! Sitting beside our wood stove here in Kluane, Yukon it was great reading to start our day. Guess we’ll take that dental floss out of our Altras for our upcoming Himalayan excursion. Cheers,
Terry and Evelyne (Yukon Jack and Yukon Jayne)
Too funny! (But some of it sounds like my son!)
Funny list!
Sure this wasn’t intentional, but I noticed in all your examples mentioning a partner, said partner is female…
OMG. So what?
Maybe some hikers have male (or god forbid, non-binary) partners and would like to see themselves reflected in places that discuss hiking?
Or maybe some hikers have female partners who are equally into hiking – all the examples here imply the female partner isn’t into it or doesn’t understand the hiker’s perspective.
Yes, it’s a little thing, but it’s an equally little thing to change. Switch some of the pronouns to he/him/his or they/them/their and you’re golden!
Well said. Thanks for speaking up about this. It’s exhausting having to constantly point this out and then have it dismissed.
Guilty of using a fanny pack occasionally
Natasha, get a life! Take your entitled, self-absorbed attitude elsewhere.
I didn’t think I would read comments like these here. Yes this is just a funny post, very light hearted. I was not expecting to see a gender discussion.
But all the original commenter asked for was that a highly respected male in the community could throw some visibility on others. That is important so every person can feel welcome in the hiking community and in the wilderness.
It’s more self-absorbed to think that one type of person is the only audience for this content then asking for a couple pronouns to be changed.
Sorry to take away from this light hearted post. I’m a huge fan of Cam’s, no one is saying anything negative about him.
?
Or maybe he’s just writing a funny blog post from his perspective…
He refers to partners in two examples (22 and 25) and uses the term “she” but once. He does also write about a pregnant partner which implies a woman. So I don’t see your point.
Someday UL hikers will start attaching their fanny packs to their UL backpacks for added support of the pack, and in doing so, they will have reinvented the hip belt.
LiteAF has designed their frameless bags to accept their fanny packs.
You can pry my 1/8″ mat from my cold, dead hands. As in, you’ll probably end up prying my 1/8″ from my cold, dead hands.
Should go along with Jupiter’s “What ULers say” vid.
“Swami” is my spirit animal. LOL LOL
Jupiter’s video ^^ is another classic.
This is hilarious, and I admit I’m guilty of a few of those weight saving items ?
Fantastic list.
I sometimes think all this UL talk/sales is straight marketing. I was able to do 20-mile days on Maine’s AT with a 55-pound Kelty, and don’t think I was worse-for-the-wear. Let’s not lose perspective: we’re out “there” to enjoy the woods and views.
It sure is nice to have a lighter load then my old Kelty but I don’t obsess over every stinkin’ ounce; I adjust.
Sounds like you’re a strong hiker. If you went UL, you’ll probably be able to hike mid 30 mile days. Most people are out there to have a significant experience and you get get to experience more with more miles underfoot and more rocks scrambled everyday. Also comfort isn’t the objective of nearly all hikers, if it is, hiking isn’t exactly the best way to go about it.
I used to be a strong hiker. Now I’m “medium” strong. Not so young anymore!
Thanks for your viewpoint.
Gender is binary boys and girls and that is an undisputable scientific fact. Like it or not, anything else is a mental health disorder.
Sex is binary. Gender is identification.
Look I never comment on these things but gender isn’t binary and that is the actual scientific fact. I tried really hard to find an article you would read without thinking there was a “political agenda.” It really is a small thing like a pronoun that can help everyone feel welcome in the hiking community, which is whole point right? Hikers are free thinkers that is what I love about this community.
https://massivesci.com/articles/sex-gender-intersex-transgender-identity-discrimination-title-ix/
Oh I laughed so hard at this!
You know it’s a good list when one of your hiking buddies sends it to you pointing out which one’s you are guilty of, and he is guilty of, lol. Thank you for the laughs Swami.
Enjoyed reading your article! I’ve been backpacking off and on for over 40 years and have seen many fads come and go. I remember back in the 90s when Jardine’s lightweight philosophy and principles were hitting the scene. I was on a search and rescue team in New Mexico at the time; my medical gear, climbing gear, and backcountry gear weighed close to 70 pounds! Currently I live in Western NC right off the AT. I routinely section hike the AT where I live. I’ve currently got lightweight gear but probably still carry too much PSK (personal survival kit) and medical gear in the eyes of the “nano” weight consortium. The biggest risk I see the ultralight fanatics taking is with respect to PSK and medical gear.
Skurka’s beans and rice – hilarious!!
They’re better tasting than Turkey, by far, IMO.
Thanks to everyone for the comments. As some have mentioned, the post is light hearted in nature, and I certainly didn’t mean to offend or make anyone feel excluded. I’ve added a forward slash to the pronoun used in #25 (i.e. s/he), so hopefully that does the trick.
Cheers,
Cam
Malto? How dare you! All three of my remaining teeth are offended!
You still have three left? That’s pretty good going for a regular malto user. Enjoy them while you can!
Cam,
Thank you. You page is my go to resource for awesome hiking ideas, long distance hiking humor, and legit, trail tested gear info.
My .02. Hetreosexism is real, and it hurts people. Look at the rates of suicide and depression among LGBTQ populations for proof. The people I have met on triple crown trails have been some of the most open and accepting I have ever known. I’m sure very few of them want to exclude anyone with an interest in hiking.
Pronouns do matter Swapping the s/he still implies gender is binary. Switching to they, as you do in 18, would be easy and inclusive.
OK, rant over, can we please get back to the easy stuff, the stuff that brings us together, ie shitty beer, an exhaustive knowledge of convenience store junk food, poop stories, and a belief in the transformative power of hiking.
Hahaha 🙂
It’s funny you attribute fanny packs to UL hikers. I use one myself and definitely am not UL. I’ve seen more hikers using fanny packs as of late and not one of them has been UL. Fanny packs add weight and allow you to store more gear in front of you. Kind of defeats the purpose of cutting off those hip belts you mentioned. Lol.
I liked and totally feel what Jupiter said, “Swami is my spirit animal.” LOL. Such a depth and wealth of self experienced self actualizing(look it up) wisdom. That’s you. I find myself saying over and over he gets it. He lives the life of a LD LT backpacking serialist and, more importantly, LIFE. Always a joy.
Swami, do you smile stay positive so often to save 1/2 a gram as a negative frown is a 1/2 gram heavier?
Of course. Negative thoughts are a lot heavier than happy ones!
Excellent post. I got a few belly laughs, several chuckles; and several new ideas to try!!
31.) Your hiking partner is REALLY tired of lending you his/her (OK Natasha?) spork.
I’m bookmarking this page for good ideas.